The Watchtower

I hear the clangor of the ocean
as the waves reach out for sand
I see the swell translucent
As it spits at where I stand

I remember the gush of saltwater
barreling over my head
salt stinging the cut on my lip
as I discover what I most dread

Engaging with the winds
crying out to no avail
twisting my body along the rocks
Time starts to sail

Shining like a beacon
through the dence, darkest gloom
Is a tower of light standing tall
appearing not a bit too soon

Watching over me
guiding me to a safer place
showing the way to get there
while it eagerly awaits

I muster up all my strength
to swim as though I'm already dead
to save what's left of my life
Then a voice comes in my head

"Come to me you who are toiling
come to me you who are trodden underfoot
I will give you peace and rest
You will find refreshment if you look"

I remember it's not only the light
That saved me that very day
It was my perseverance through the storm
And our loving God who helped me find my way!

The Watchtower3

I hear the clangor of the ocean
as the waves reach out for sand
I see the swell translucent
As it spits at where I stand

I remember the gush of saltwater
barreling over my head
salt stinging the cut on my lip
as I discover what I most dread

Engaging with the winds
crying out to no avail
twisting my body along the rocks
Time starts to sail

Shining like a beacon
through the dence, darkest gloom
Is a tower of light standing tall
appearing not a bit too soon

Watching over me
guiding me to a safer place
showing the way to get there
while it eagerly awaits

I muster up all my strength
to swim as though I'm already dead
to save what's left of my life
Then a voice comes in my head

"Come to me you who are toiling
come to me you who are trodden underfoot
I will give you peace and rest
You will find refreshment if you look"

I remember it's not only the light
That saved me that very day
It was my perseverance through the storm
And our loving God who helped me find my way!

My time is for me

Hello Friday! Yes, it's the weekend and I'm happy about that. I'm looking forward to a day off tomorrow, but still have to work on Sunday since I switched days for my manager. While I'm home I'm just ruminating on what the counselor said to me yesterday. I get so sidetracked from my purpose sometimes. I know what I need to do, so why do I not want to do it then? I am afraid of change, although as a dear friend and co-worker said to me today....change is a good thing. I should not despise it...yet I do. I guess all the years of lying and mistreatment did not phase a cool cat like myself...I'm not too sexy for my shirt, I'm just too damn stupid for my brain! How bout that? lol Gasp....my life is not horrible I can deal with so much, because I have such a kind heavenly father who let's me throw my burden's upon him, but yet I am empty when my husband is around. He has no interest in me other than what he can get and how it effects his life or situation it seems. I need my life to revolve around the good things, not the negative. So much time wasted on concentrating on what everyone else needs. When is it my time? It seems this is it sitting here before the ass comes home from work, before he yells at me that I'm ignoring my kids and on the computer again...yes, I am on the computer but ignoring them noooooo never! They are in my sight at all times. I spend quality time with them, but this is my time...as long as they are not hanging by their toenails attached to a window or ceiling ....there good:) IMHO.... I love my babies...they are my life and two of my oldest are grown so having two small one's and a jackass for a husband, well you know I go a little in my WOMAN CAVE sometimes! More later the jerkoff is calling.....

Marriage counseling without the marriage

So, I went to my marriage counseling without my husband *big suprise there* My counselor told me I have a good understanding of my situation and myself, but did agree I am co-dependent on my husband...I actually suggested that to her and she agreed. She said I would be much happier without the stress and anxiety of being in the situation I'm in and I know it's true. She said I need to start working on myself and getting myself prepared mentally to stand up for what I need to do for my own happiness basically. I know she is right again. She also mentioned I seem to be suffering from anxiety, the teeth chattering and shaking like I was freezing while discussing the cheating my husband has done, the jealous and controlling angry behavior he exhibits....I now need to make an appt with my Dr. to see if he can prescribe something for me. My counselor told me things I already knew but it sure drove home some things I needed to hear and coming from a professional, not just my pals helped a lot in my own mind to be able to sort all this out for myself. More to come........

She's innocent? Whaa?

So my husband called me at work the day Casey was announced as innocent to all the murder and manslaughter charges and said he was glad because he believed she was innocent....wow! Later that night watching the news I just could not understand how a mother could not report her child missing all that time, well wait she didn't report her...the grandma did! I thought about this for a while and realized if I wanted to delay or hide something I would keep it as secret as I could. I'm sure Casey having a father in law enforcement would have known what the 'waiting' would help her to accomplish. A delay and damage of the evidence. First of all common SENSE tells me that whenever I delay or keep a secret I have to know first 'what' I'm keeping a secret, right? Does it make sense that someone who 'wanted or needed' answers would not desperately try to find them? Well, no! If you don't know what happened to your baby your gonna call 911, not go out to the club get jiggy with it and whoop it up like your kid was asleep at home cozy in her bed. What a selfish act! How can a mother who knows her baby girl is gone not be distraught? I know because of GUILT! It's true it can't be proven how the toddler was killed, well I guess not after all the time had passed...in my opinion- premeditated! This was one reason Casey was prob out having a blast and getting on with life she did not want anyone to think anything was wrong until she had enough time pass by to kill all the evidence! It's not clear how the child died weather by force or by drowning, but seems like if Casey knew her child had drowned this would be a good way for her to get scared enough to premeditate all the lies that came after. The blatant lies and smirks this is not a mother .... she is a chronic liar! She needs a mental evaluation because she has major issues!!!! The story about her dad and brother molesting her does not ring well with me! First of all, I was molested by my oldest half brother as a toddler and raped at the age of 16....I would never ever even fathom not reporting my baby gone if she was missing! This woman is selfish, a liar, and a good manipulator! I hope society gives her a cold shoulder for as long as she lives, but I doubt her conscience will ever bother her! Conscience: is an aptitude, faculty, intuition or judgment of the intellect that distinguishes right from wrong.

hodgepodge of thoughts

Too many times I feet so lost, so worthless to a man who could not care less. Ya I know - yada, yada, yada....as the old saying goes. Why should I be any different? The messed up part is that I have been honest and faithful...I know another yada, yada, yada. Yet, it's sobering and true! I have no one to blame over this situation except my own heart. Loyal, true and like the strong oak rendered in the movie "Jerry McGuire". Yep, that's me the strong oak tree! Whatever, I wish I was a flim- flam of a burning bush then maybe when he cheated on me I could burn his ass back for once! Suppose I could get any more personal than this? ya, I am a sweet, loving, talented, loyal, (did I say loving?) woman who has an Ass for a husband...oh wait, I left the good part out, the 2nd good for nothing ass I married! 1st time was because I was young, and looking for love, 2nd time I was 'in love' and for all the wrong reasons. My heart must go on! I have a very caring nature, to a fault it bites me back in the groin every-time. I am a dreamer (in a creative/carefree way) a silly-heart and a lover of truth and righteousness! Can't stand too much drama - a little goes a very long way! I like to sing, dance and cook, talk etc....outdoors, the kids, I just have a zest for life. Love the earth and beauty that was created by our heavenly father. I have a deep appreciation for spiritual things. To be continued.....